In thirty years of examining cases, I’ve learned a lot. Here are THE MOST frequently asked questions by the people that visit my office or call me in desperate need of help from sights seen and unseen.
The following information can also be found in my pamphlets, including GHOST LAW AND YOU, VAMPIRE LAW AND YOU, VEGAS MOTHMAN LAW AND YOU, and the upcoming TIME TRAVEL & SONIC WEAPONRY LAW AND YOU.
Q: So the last thing I remember is my boss and I were attending a conference and having these samurai swords, cocaine, and some Asian gals sent up to the suite. We were all jumping on the bed naked having a literal sword fight (no homo) and the next thing I know is I’m on the floor and I think I just fell and was out for like, a couple of seconds, but it turns out it was like six hours, the sun’s already up — my boss and the other chick are gone, and this girl is next to me and all wet and at first I’m hoping it’s sweat from sex but I just have this really sick feeling as I turn on the light and I immediately know she’s dead. I’m staring at her lifeless eyes silently contemplating how absolutely fucked I am and suddenly there is a knock at the door and I realize it’s the maid. Should I panic?
A: The first thing to do is not panic. The second is telling the maid to piss off. The third is seeking professional advice. There’s always the possibility you didn’t do this. Very often this type of massacre is the work of vengeful pimps and/or human traffickers seeking to frame you, gain political or professional leverage and/or send a message to the rest of the sex slaves back in their filthy shipping container makeshift prisons. To the Eastern pimp, fear is their greatest weapon.
Now, make sure to check to see whether they harvested any of your organs, as this gives you a basis for an alibi. Also, the whole scene may be the work of ghosts. Murderous, murderous hotel ghosts.
Q: So if a ghost in my house or hotel room kills a prostitute, am I to blame?
A: No. Your realtor or the previous owner or owners of any temporary longing will be held to blame for failure to disclose the existence of the ghost prior to your purchase. Living quarters of any kind must be cleansed of ghosts between occupants by the selling party. You may also be entitled to compensation for emotional trauma and home cleanup and repairs and any applicable deposits.
In ghost law, it is important to remember that the ghost is as much a victim as you, if not even more so, despite the ghost’s seemingly hostile behavior towards you and your family. You are both the victims of a liable third party. Depending on the severity of the haunting, the ghost’s existing family members may also be entitled to compensation. The burden is on the seller, agent or owner who introduced you to the property.
Q: Is owning or making silver bullets illegal?
A: No! In fact, Nevada is very friendly toward ownership of silver bullets. Fun fact: they can still be exchanged for chips in some of the older casinos, a tradition from the days of the legendary gangsters.
Q: Is owning a wooden stake illegal?
A: Despite left wing politician’s best efforts, wooden stakes have yet to be declared illegal weapons.
Q: We all know about holy water and crosses, but if I beat a vampire with a stolen hotel Bible, would it retain its holy mojo or would it lose its holy mojo because it is stolen?
A: You’d have to swing pretty hard! Haha. But seriously, they’re very strong and have a high threshold for pain, so I wouldn’t ever try it. Also, keeping religious articles around to deter vampires is a myth. Also, you just admitted to STEALING A BIBLE.
Q: Do I have to let a vampire in?
A: NO! Rookie mistake. This is probably how you wound up with your hooker problem in the first place. While many vampire movies misrepresent the facts about vampires, it is true they may only enter your home with permission.
Q: In vampire crime, who is ultimately responsible?
A: While personally liable for any attack, one’s vampiric assailant may in fact be operating under hypnotic coercion by a sinister den leader or master vampire, who can also be held accountable.
Q: But what if the prostitute IS a vampire and I didn’t know when I let her in?
A: First of all, I would never advise that you solicit a prostitute, but I can suggest you use your best judgement while on vacation in the city. If you are able to vanquish the undead beast before he/she/they can transform you into a slave in their dark legion of unholy parasites, you will most likely be able to plead self defense.
Q: Does Nevada fairly distinguish between ghouls, ghosts, poltergeists, phantoms, spirits, etc.?
A: Excellent question. A ghoul is a corporeal entity who can be jailed and prosecuted, whereas the others are non-corporeal. But out of those only poltergeists can actually hurt you, leaving the aforementioned previous owners open to further charges of neglect and assault.
Q: Have you ever been involved in any exorcism cases?
A: Not directly, no. But I once met a family who wanted to sue the devil after a botched exorcism of their prostitute daughter.
Q: I heard your next book is SPIKE’S 9 LAWS FOR TIME TRAVEL & SONIC WEAPONRY. Is this true? What can you tell us about time travel law or the possession of space-based particle weapons?
A: Time travel laws are different everywhere, is all I can say, but Nevada, because of its proximity to a certain testing site, compiling this material was very tricky. You’d have to buy the book so I’ll only give one away–don’t be late!
Q: But if I invented a time machine for personal reasons, like avenging the death of a loved one, and once completed my mission, like, again, saving my girlfriend from said vampire/ghost/alien/deranged human being attack, would I be obligated to stay in that timeline and prevent other crimes or warn the public of impending disasters?
A: NO! These so-called time travel “Good Samaritan” edicts have been in planning for a while but have failed to gain any traction. The reality you create is its own…the one you arrived in is a new dimension. Most, if not ALL of the additional crimes you try to prevent may not even happen in that future because of your first trip into the past, but many more may occur.
Q: If my space-based particle weapon is above legal commercial space and I “accidentally” disintegrate (“dust”) a person, persons, or property, including but not limited to sky-scraping trade towers from near-earth orbit, specifically operating and hovering in a set, off-world geo-positioned point in the jurisdiction of my county, state, or country, can I be held liable?
A: Hang on to your Stetson, pardner. If you are looking to assuage your liability in this type of case, we can help. The good news is that these kind of cases are very “iffy” at the moment. God bless President Trump and Space Force for trying to get to the bottom of this mess, hopefully whoever is next (fingers crossed, Mr. T.) gets this thing sorted out. But for the moment I would suggest you NOT use any sort of space-based acoustic or laser weaponry, unless for self defense.
Q: If aliens came through the wall and abducted my hooker; drained her blood; cored her eye sockets, anus, and vagina with laser-like precision; and dropped her unrecognizable dismembered corpse in the desert, miles AWAY from my hotel room, WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?!
A: In Vegas terms, you are in the black here. No body = no evidence.
Q: Is there a connection between crime, paranormal phenomena, and the proximity between Las Vegas and Are 51?
A: Ask the good folks at Janet Airlines. If you do visit our friends over in Rachel, Nevada at the Little Ale’Inn, I recommend the chili. It’s out of this world!
Q: What is your beef with Vegas Mothman?
A: I get this one a lot. I have no personal issues with Vegas Mothman. I’m serious! I’ve never actually met him. But as a recent Vegas transplant, I take my community seriously, and I’m looking out for the enjoyment of my new neighbors and tourists alike. People work hard all year to come here to have fun and relax, and suddenly you have a inter-dimensional entity disrupting your buffet, and I take it personally.
Q: But what’s the deal in the first place with all these hauntings, alien abductions, werewolves, and dead hookers? Why are hookers so vulnerable to attacks by cryptids, alien abductions, space-based particle weapons, and other miscellaneous paranormal phenomena?
A: I was hoping you could help me with that! Together we shall discover the truth.